Elite Eight Preview Pt. 2

I’m writing this on my phone so it’s going to be brief. After getting no Thursday games right, I batted 1.000 on Friday games. Seth Davis went 3-5 so I’m better than the worst prognosticator on television so I feel good about myself. 

Doug Gottlieb might actually be the worst. He tries to sound smarter than he actually is and even gets news wrong. “Done deal”? Indiana outsmarted all of the pundits and hired a coach that knows what an Elite 8 looks like. Besides, Indiana needs to move on from its past. Steve Alford is a memory of the Bob Knight era and the Bob Knight era keeps crapping on the present. 

EAST

(4) FLORIDA vs (7) SOUTH CAROLINA: I’m convinced South Carolina is winning the whole thing. Matt Jones of Kentucky Sports Radio is a notorious blowhard and egomaniac. He proclaimed South Carolina was the worst 7-seed in the history of the NCAA tournament despite having a top-5 defense and the SEC Player of the Year. Well, I think that tweet will come back to haunt him. Also, Joakim Noah just got busted for banned drugs. This cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. I also cannot overlook Florida coach Mike White’s relationship with Duke AD Kevin White. If Florida wins then someone at Duke is happy. That disgusts me. PREDICTION: Frank Martin’s cold stare heads to Phoenix. 

SOUTH

(1) NORTH CAROLINA vs (2) KENTUCKY: Theo Pinson was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain… the cobra died. Theo Pinson doesn’t dial the wrong number; you answered the wrong phone. When Theo Pinson turned 18, his parents moved out. Theo Pinson can kill two stones with one bird. Theo Pinson once kicked a horse in the neck; its descendants today are known as giraffes. Theo Pinson can delete the Recycling Bin…when Kentucky beat North Carolina earlier this season, Theo Pinson didn’t play. Every pundit claims the addition of Theo Pinson is like adding 13 Supermans to the Justice League. PREDICTION: Theo Pinson’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Theo Pinson. It wouldn’t matter though, he doesn’t have a game on April 1st. 

Elite Eight Preview Pt. 1

Don’t come at because my “predictions” for the Thursday games pulled a Digger Phelps and went 0-fer. Those predictions are just punchlines. Deal with it. My real prediction for the evening came through though. Jon Rothstein – he’s the worst – indeed tweeted “Ducks Fly Together“. And what was he tweeting about immediately before? Rice basketball. Duquesne basketball. Ball State coaches. During the middle of the Sweet 16. No one cares, Jon. And while I was typing this, he may or may not have taken a shot at me.

Anyway, quick recap of last night’s slate: a plane crash does not get you a championship nor does it give you end game IQ; at least Michigan got off a shot and it hit the rim, because what in the hell West Virginia???; Kansas won big, but don’t let past game performance affect future game perception – Kentucky throttled WVU in 2015 Sweet 16 and needed a minor miracle to beat Notre Dame in the Elite 8; and, you know what, maybe Sean Miller will never make a Final Four. I think Sean Miller is still loyal to Xavier. Or he Googled Chris Mack’s wife’s name and got distracted. These things happen.

ELITE 8

MIDWEST

(1) KANSAS vs (3) OREGON: Oregon wears awful uniforms. I don’t like Bill Self – not in the least – but I really dislike when Oregon comes on the TV. Does Phil Knight have some sort of sexual perversion with highlighters? If so, why would he thrust that perversion on college dudes? Oregon barely has enough to get by in this tournament and Josh Jackson hates rims. This cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. You get the feeling this is the last of the bomb-ass Kansas squads, because Frank Mason XI is on his way to the bright lights of Lithuania Basketball (Catch the Fever!), Josh Jackson is gone, Landen Lucas is gone, Tyler Self is gone, Carlton Bragg will be in jail, and they might lose Svi and Graham to the NBDL (Sponsored by Gatorade). The stress of losing all the production players might cause Bill Self’s toupee hairs to fall out. Fun fact: watch closely for Bill Self’s pooch belly. It has gotten too big for him to hide it this year. Once you notice it, you cannot unsee it. PREDICTION: Self’s bald, tubby body returns to the Final Four after a five year drought. Phil Knight’s butt will be clenched so tight it could hold 17 highlighters.

WEST

(1) GONZAGA vs (11) XAVIER: Gonzaga did not look good last night. Not even in the slightest. The athleticism of WVU was too much sometimes, but Gonzaga was bailed out by a completely ineffective Mountaineer offense. Xavier carries around an clear, glass urn full of ashes. This cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. The urn is filled with the ashes of a burnt calendar of the month of February – a February in which they won one single game. Now, they have beaten Maryland, Florida State, and Arizona. Since Gonzaga is also a mid-major, I’m not sure if Xavier will know what to do. They seem to be only capable of beating flameouts from power conferences. Who will win? An urn full of ashes or a sushi waitress named Shermanator? PREDICTION: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Xavier is dancing and Mark Few smells like butt.

Check back later for more, always more. #StayKrossed

P.S. You know what, Jon Rothstein? You’re right. You do a lot of things right…like spelling almost all of the words right.

Love Song by Tom Crean

Lyrics printed with permission from Tom Crean. Copyright Schrute Farms Music.

Have you ever felt the pain of being down?
Have you ever felt the joy of being up?
No matter what happens, no matter what I do…
I have to open mouth kiss or I may erupt!

Open mouth kisses, it’s just what I do
Whether it’s Senior Night for my son
or we just lost to Purdue
Open mouth kisses, it’s just who I am
I’ll give your mouth a “Wham, Bam, Thank you, Ma’am”

And even though I’m fired and no longer on top
I’ll open mouth kiss you and I will never stop

Who knows where my road leads next
All the open jobs are being filled
I’m going to nail the next interview, no handshake or “How do you do?”
I’ll give that AD an open mouth kiss and he will be thrilled!!!

Open mouth kisses, it’s just what I do
Whether it’s taco Night in Bloomington
or my taxes are due
Open mouth kisses, it’s just who I am
Checked my local listings, your mouth is on my program

But now the night is fading
I’m still unemployed
I’ve open mouth kissed
Every girl and boy

Where should I go
And what shall I do???
An open mouth kiss
Oh, an open mouth kiss
Yes, an open mouth kiss will pull me through

EVERYBODY!

Open mouth kisses, it’s just what I do
Whether it’s early in the morning
Or out past curfew
Open mouth kisses, it’s just who I am
No tongues unless that is your jam

Open mouth kisses, it’s just what I do
Like a Sweet 16 loss as a one seed
We’ll cut the nets down after I kiss you
Open mouth kisses, it’s just who I am
Don’t ask me to apologize, I don’t give a damn.

And even though I’m fired and no longer on top
I’ll open mouth kiss you and I will never stop

Open mouth kisses
Open mouth kisses
For the Misters and the Misses
Open mouth kisses
It’s just what I do

*mwah*

Sweet 16 Preview Pt. 2

For the preview for tonight’s games, click here.

These Sweet 16 begins tomorrow. Let’s take an objective look at how the second four games will go…

SOUTH

(1) NORTH CAROLINA vs (4) BUTLER: One of the biggest stats I look for when I fill out this bracket is offensive rebounding percentage. If I cannot really decide on a matchup, I look for whichever team rebounds their misses the most and pick them. Butler rebounds 25.6% of their misses. This is not good. Let’s look at North Carolina – they rebound…41.3% of their missed shots!!! Holy frijole, Matt Freije! Who does that! How is this even fair to Butler? Shouldn’t North Carolina be forced to play with fat Kennedy Meeks tomorrow? You remember fat Kennedy Meeks. He couldn’t get up and down the court, he ate a hot pocket at the check-in table, he would only shoot one free throw even if he had two foul shots because he didn’t have the energy to lift his gargantuan arms to flick a rubber ball 15 feet. Fat Kennedy Meeks. North Carolina is like the Monstars of offensive rebounding and offensive academics. Butler starts three guards. No one on their team pulls in over 5.8 rebounds per game. Kennedy Meeks used to eat 7 ribeyes per game. Kennedy Meeks probably got excited when he saw UNC was playing Butler, because Kennedy Meeks has a UNC education and read his opponent’s name as “Butter Corndogs”. Fat Kennedy Meeks. PREDICTION: Kennedy “The Moobs” Meeks.

(2) KENTUCKY vs (3) UCLA: In Spanish, “lavar” means “to wash”. LaVar Ball’s name literally means “to wash balls”. This cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. This game is basically a battle of style versus Derek Willis. On one hand, you have the lights and glamour of Los Angeles and a high-octane “Showtime” offense versus dippin’, whittlin’ a good stick, puttin’ on overalls, Mount’n Dew, and Native American tattoos. UCLA brings in assassins like Bryce Alford and TJ Leaf and Lonzo Ball. Kentucky gives you noted beef jerky enthusiast Derek Willis. It should be noted that UCLA’s hopes rely on Balls whereas Kentucky’s chances hang on Wenyen Gabriel. And if you know what I know about Wenyen Gabriel, then you know Kentucky is well hung. PREDICTION: South Sudong.

EAST

(3) BAYLOR vs (7) SOUTH CAROLINA: I am scared of Frank Martin. PREDICTION: Please don’t kill me, Frank Martin.

(4) FLORIDA vs (8) WISCONSIN: Wisconsin treats their fans like doodoo (and I am not complaining). They get all of their fans’ hopes up at the beginning of the season and then play like ass and their fans give up hope. Then Wisconsin will go on a run, build up their fans’ hopes, have them start believing in them and THEN LOSE HORRIBLY IN THE IMMEDIATE GAME. Florida coach Mike White’s dad is the athletic director for Duke. They are both partially responsible for our national nightmare. The Wisconsin coach’s name is Greg Gard. That’s an awful name. “Hello, I’m Gard. No, not like the basketball position. I guess my name doesn’t like the letter U”. Well, I don’t like you, Greg. Let’s be real here, is anyone going to watch this game? Wisconsin plays the absolute worst style of basketball in the history of eyeballs. The worst. I feel like if Wisconsin doesn’t execute 28 passes before attempting a shot then a puppy somewhere is put down. Wisconsin never kills puppies, they will make those passes. They will stand there and have a spelling bee amongst themselves before attempting any sort of offense. Also, this game is on against UK-UCLA. Who in their right mind would choose to watch this game over UK-UCLA? Verne Lundquist could make out with Jim Sparnakel on national television and not a single person would notice. I bet Verne would be down for it though. He does has a history of having balls in his face…and Jim seemed to enjoy it. PREDICTION: Wisconsin rips out the hearts of their fans while Verne and Jim Sparnipple get intimate on television. TBS: Very Funny.

Elite 8 previews begin tomorrow.

 

 

Rule Of 71 Analyzed

If you have ever listen to Kentucky Sports Radio or visited their live blog during the game, you may have noticed the bloggers and fans there can’t ever relax during a game unless Kentucky scores 71 first. The theory goes the winning team will be the team that reaches 71 first.

Well, I decided to put the theory to the test in regards to the Kentucky squad this season. There have been 14 games in which Kentucky and its opponent both reached at least 71 points. I didn’t bother to look at games in which neither hit 71 or only one team did. It would be pretty obvious the theory worked in the latter.

Of the 14 games Kentucky played with both teams scoring at least 71, only once did the theory not work: Kentucky’s road game at Georgia late in the season. With 2:25 left in the game, Georgia guard J.J. Frazier hit a three to put Georgia ahead 71-69. Kentucky went on to win 82-77.

Since Kentucky plays UCLA on Friday night in the Sweet 16, I decided to see if the theory applies to the Bruins as well. The Bruins have played 23(!) games in which both teams eclipsed 71 points. Of those, only 7 were single digit games. Of those seven, two games didn’t fit the 71 theory. UCLA led Oregon 72-65 and managed to lose. A few weeks later, Utah led 73-69 against UCLA before choking in the final two minutes.

So, does the rule of 71 really work? It’s hard to say. Most of the game involving Kentucky are not close and any number is really the magic number. In most games, 71 signals the closing moments of the game and typically the team leading is the team that ends up winning. The theory is more of a byproduct of the win than an indicator. And it’s clearly not foolproof. But, more of than not, if Kentucky is performing well enough to indeed be the first team to the magic 71 number, then BBN should breathe a sigh of relief. The W Flag can soon be hoisted.

Some fun figures from my research:

• Kentucky has scored 200,404 points as a program. A Wenyen Gabriel FT with 14:20 remaining in the second half of Kentucky’s final game of the season at Texas A&M was the program’s 200,000th point. They lead all of college basketball in program scoring.
• Kentucky has hit a 3 in 1,011 straight games – longest current streak. They have a six game lead on UNLV.
• The current Kentucky squad is 259 points from being the highest scoring team in Kentucky history (behind the 1997 National Runner-Ups).

“& The News” News To Pass The Time

Here are some News stories to get through the day. Disclaimer: these are actual stories with their actual headlines:

• FBI director James Comey admits under oath that he hates the Patriots
• Brazilian goalkeeper charged with torture and murder of ex-girlfriend – ‘Mistakes happen. I’m not a bad guy’
• Tiny ND town still not sure if or when white supremacist will move in
• Footballer accidentally thanks his wife and girlfriend in incredible man of the match speech

• How a Vancouver pub ‘annoyed an entire country’ with a poorly poured pint of Guinness

• Japan’s elderly offered funeral discount to stop driving

• Floating wheelchair built for disabled goldfish

Sweet 16 Preview

The Sweet 16 begins tomorrow. Let’s take an objective look at how the first four games will go…

MIDWEST

(3) OREGON vs (7) MICHIGAN: Jon Rothstein is the worst. First, he called for Louisville to win the whole thing and then he said there was no way Kentucky could take down Wichita State. He was wrong, but he was worse than wrong…he won’t own up to it. I’ve seen him teeter between calling Oregon a bad team and a team locked in. I don’t look forward to seeing him spend five tweets on how great Mo Buckets is and following it up with his “Ducks Fly Together” tweets. The guy seems to only watch Big East basketball and NAIA Division 6 basketball; and, every year he acts surprised his upset call of LIU-Brooklyn Alternate Campus JV beating North Carolina doesn’t work out. PREDICTION: Team of Destiny. But if Jon Rothstein picks Michigan, then Ducks Fly Together.

(1) KANSAS vs (4) PURDUE: Kansas defeated UC Davis and a Michigan State team that had 14 losses. Now, all of sudden, we are supposed to anoint Kansas as world-beaters. Reminder: Michigan State lost to Northeastern. Northeastern! Northeastern used to be called The Evening Institute For Younger Men – that is not a joke. Michigan State lost to The Evening Institute For Younger Men. Michigan State turned around and lost to every good team they played…and a lot of the bad ones, too: Penn State, Ohio State, Indiana. They made the tourney because of their coach and beat Miami because the ACC was the conference of doom. Then Kansas beats them – a team composed of Miles Bridges and four random K-Mart employees – and now Kansas is this awesome team. Purdue has Caleb Swanigan. The only team to beat Purdue in seven weeks is Michigan. PREDICTION: Caleb Swanigan, but this is coming from a place of pure disgust of hair plugs.

WEST

(1) GONZAGA vs (4) WEST VIRGINIA: I’ll keep this simple. Teams – like Gonzaga – that play textbook-style basketball cannot handle teams with niche attributes. West Virginia has two such attributes: a) Press Virginia, and b) Bob Huggins wears a tracksuit. PREDICTION: Mountain Mamas.

(2) ARIZONA vs (11) XAVIER: Fun fact: Xavier coach Chris Mack’s wife’s name is Christi Mack. Fun fact: Christy Mack (notice the difference) is a famous porn star. That cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. Secretly, the best freshman in college basketball doesn’t play for Washington or UCLA, he plays for Arizona. And he is from Finland. Lauri Markkanen is basically the college equivalent of Porzingis. He’s tall, white, foreign, and can shoot it from deep. Xavier’s coach’s wife has a name that is NSFW to Google. That cannot go unnoticed in this matchup. PREDICTION: Amy Miller. It’s much safer to Google.

Check back later for more musings and check back tomorrow for the other four games of the Sweet 16. #StayKrossed

Huey Lewis Can’t News

I was going to do a long intro and even had written it, but who wants to read that? I would rather write something I would enjoy myself. See you soon. Until then, #StayKrossed.